Saturday, 18 June 2016

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES

I'm sorry to admit that I couldn't bring myself to review this film, I hated the last film, I loathe Michael Bay and I know he's only 'produced this effort', but I can't do it. I'm beginning to dread summer movies and I've seen so much shit this summer that the thought of another so soon after Alice and Gods of Egypt just fills me with actual fear. Plus I find these new Turd-les hateful, I liked the original movie versions with the awesome animatronic suits and if I'm honest the trailer actually made me dread going to see it And so, after much soul searching and despite the title of my blog I have decided that I have taken enough hits for the team and as such i refuse to go and see this film.

However, feel free to leave your reviews at the bottom of this posting if you like, if enough of you think I should go then who knows maybe I'll give it a go.

However I will review the trailer, which I have now seen far too many times and I'm fairly sure as I've watched that, I've probably seen the film so I feel I'm more than qualified to pass judgement on it.

So, this will be a review of the trailer.

TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA TURTLES 2: OUT OF THE SHADOWS



Written by Josh Appelbaum and Andre Nemec. Directed by Dave Green. 1.34 minutes long. $135 million budget.

Using and abusing the glorious Beastie Boys hit: No Sleep Till Brookyn, this trailer has the great benefit of being much shorter by than it's full-blown cinematic outing by a good 109.5 minutes. It introduces the Turtles again in a montage of sassy clips, along with revealing the baddy, his new CGI henchmen some dreadful puns, huge CGI stunts and Megan Fox, plus supposed fan favourite hero, Casey Jones. What's not to love? Hmm, the Turtles. this just looks like more of the same, a bunch of slightly racist GIGANTIC turtles, huge massive 6 ft plus green monsters wisecracking while eating pizza and killing an endless supply of ninjas all the time promoting a new line of toys for kids. Plus I really don't think these sort of films are good for kids, violence doesn't solve anything.

Also it's got Megan Fox who, least we forget, was once considered the next 'hot' thing, indeed Michael Bay couldn't keep his camera out of her crotch but now she just looks a little ruff.
I think it's the use of the No Sleep that really puts me off this film, it's just so lazy and awful and betrays the sentiment of the original song, plus I hate the way modern films take old great songs but get some corporate clone to do a new version of it for today's public.

All that plus the uncanny valley CGI, particuarly in the way it all looks so horribly fake, the fact it all looks so disgustingly generic and that it exists only to squeeze more money out of this tired old franchise makes this a film to miss.

No sleep for atleast 1.34 seconds until this trailer ends. There is a longer version but I think you've suffered enough.

3/10

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