Sunday, 11 October 2015

#66 PAN

#66 PAN



Starring Levi Miller, Hugh Jackman, Garrett Hedlund, Rooney Mara. Written by Jason Fuchs. Directed by Joe Wright. 111 minutes long. $150 mill budget.

When I was eight or so, I was taken to see the Disney animated classic, Peter Pan and I hated it, 'Mother,' I demanded, 'how am I supposed to understand all of these ridiculous shenanigans without knowing the origins of Peter Pan, Tiger Lilly, Captain Hook, Mr. Smee and Tinker Bell? Without knowing that, I can make no sense of this garish, mish-mash of visual buffoonery.' And that was a verbatim reporting of the exact words I used.

Well, then huge praise must be heaped upon the head and shoulders of Joe Wright and his writer, Jason AAAAARRRGGGGHHHHH Fuchs, for at last telling the story that J.M. Barrie just wasn't smart enough to write himself. I'm sure that if he was still alive he'd be thanking both men for rectifying his terrible mistake.

Following in the footsteps of Alice in Wonderland and Malificent, this is another one of those stupid, shitty films that thinks we all want to know what happened before the films we all loved happened. You know what I mean, how often have you been in a dinner party and said, "I have always wanted to know Peter Pan's origin story, for example who was his mother, who was his father, what was Captain Hook like before he lost his hand and developed a fear of clocks and alligators?" Well, this film answers those questions for you and I hope you're happy. 

Filled with just a visual vomit of CGI effects and characters shouting, AAAARRRRGGGGHHH in stead of anything meaningful this is just one empty action scene without consequence followed by another all accompanied by a soundtrack that doesn't stop for one second, all the way through the heavily orchestrated orchestra just spews out an endless dirge of musical mush to help the sleeping audience know what they're supposed to be feeling while things happen on the screen.

Hugh Jackman still acts as if he's in panto, emoting to the back row, Garrett Hedlund produces a 111 minute audition for the Indiana Jones reboot and fails and Rooney Mara, wonders who's getting all the good scripts? Only Levi Miller shines and reminds me of a young Christian Bale, everyone else hams it up real good.

Boring, bland, horrifically colourful, hideously garish and utterly uninspiring, everything the Peter Pan cartoon wasn't. This was a film that never flies. Why can't Hollywood just use the budget to make a live action version of the story?

It's biggest crime is the last line of the movie and it made my blood boil, so contemptuous is it in its use. 

Anyway, up next, Jungle Book.

This crap gets a bored 4/10, mainly cos Rooney Mara wears some lovely outfits.

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